How to Fall in Love with Anyone

How to Fall in Love with Anyone[Read] ➵ How to Fall in Love with Anyone By Mandy Len Catron – An insightful charming and absolutely fascinating memoir from the author of the popular New York Times essay “To Fall in Love with Anyone Do This” one of the top five most popular New York Times p An insightful charming and absolutely Fall in PDF Î fascinating memoir from the author How to Kindle - of the popular New York Times essay “To Fall in Love to Fall in ePUB ↠ with Anyone Do This” one of the top five most popular to Fall in Love with ePUB ô New York Times pieces of explores the romantic myths we create and explains how they limit our ability to achieve and sustain intimacyWhat really makes love last Does love ever work the way we say it does in movies and books and Facebook posts to Fall in Love with ePUB ô Or does obsessing over those love stories hurt our real life relationships When her parents divorced after a twenty eight year marriage and her own ten year relationship ended those were the uestions that Mandy Len Catron wanted to answerIn a series of candid vulnerable and wise essays that takes a closer look at what it means to love someone be loved and how we present our love to the world Catron deconstructs her own personal canon of love stories She delves all the way back to when her grandparents first met in a coal mining town in Appalachia to her own dating life as a professor in Vancouver drawing insights from her fascinating research into the universal psychology biology history and literature of love She uses biologists’ research into dopamine triggers to ask whether the need to love is an innate human drive She uses literary theory to show why we prefer certain kinds of love stories She urges us to uestion the unwritten scripts we follow in relationships and looks into where those scripts come from in the first place And she tells the story of how she decided to test a psychology experiment that she’d read about—where the goal was to create intimacy between strangers using a list of thirty six uestions—and ended up in the surreal situation of having millions of people following her brand new relationshipIn How to Fall in Love with Anyone Catron flips the script on love and offers a deeply personal and universal investigation. I let the title for this collection of essays fool me for a second there thinking it would be some self help junk about the magic of love and all its promises It's far from it actually“I hated this way of talking about love but I caught myself doing it too The right choice the right person the right kind of love the one Was it moral rightness or narrative rightness—a good person or a good story?”In a series of candid vulnerable and wise essays that takes a closer look at what it means to love someone be loved and how we present our love to the world Catron deconstructs her own personal canon of love stories She delves all the way back to 1944 when her grandparents first met in a coal mining town in Appalachia to her own dating life as a professor in Vancouver drawing insights from her fascinating research into the universal psychology biology history and literature of loveContrary to my first impression Catron delves into the realities not fantasies of loving and being loved The harms of romantic comedies in painting an unrealistic view of healthy relationships “When I tell people I think love stories make us worse at being in love they are uick to agree” The author's family history on love compatibility and divorce Plus there's an emphasise on making the research inclusive with including LGBTIA relationshipsHowever I do have to note that How to Fall in Love with Anyone wasn’t a particularly life changing read for me since I was already familiar with the subject of having the media glorifying the concept of love But it was still fascinating to get to see this blend of memoir and reportage work so well in my favor My favorite parts by far were when the grandmother and mother were in the mix talking about their lives and loves I do still wish that we would've gotten to spend time with those two in the second half“As she talked her life veered from tragic to comic sounding like the plot of a good book than a real person’s experience ”And a list of other things I appreciated were• The many mentions and recommendations of great books the author read on the topic of love I've so far added Alain de Botton’s Essays in Love which I'm eager to get into next• Another thing I cherished was the many feminist undertones especially when talking about rom coms“Most of these stories rely on an inherent paradox True love is the ultimate means of validation and personal transformation and yet a virtuous woman should never pursue love directly Men in persecuted hero roles on the other hand are allowed—even expected—to woo their love interests Love is the means by which Cinderella and Vivian and Sixteen Candles’s Samantha get what they want status wealth recognition But these characters are rewarded for not seeking love for cultivating silent crushes and earnest longing”• Feelings of loneliness and uncertainness“I understood how you could leave someone and feel lost without him and still choose that loneliness over being with him”• The media's infatuation with kismet aka meet cutes“Maybe instead of telling stories about how we met our partners we should all share our stories about the limits of love—the times it disappointed us the apprehensions it couldn’t soothe—and why we chose it anyway or why we let it go We don’t need stories to show us how to meet someone—we’ve got apps for that”• And finally the notion of “if you can fall in love with anyone how do you choose?” and so much is explored in this bookAll in all I'm glad I decided to give a chance to How to Fall in Love with Anyone because the combination of learning about love from a scientific perspective with the author's self deprecating humor was a win for me Though I would like to mention that the notion of experiencing so many breakups over the course of this book was a bit mentally and physically exhausting for me by the end355 stars Note I'm an Affiliate If you're interested in buying How to Fall in Love with Anyone just click on the image below to go through my link I'll make a small commission Support creators you love Buy a Coffee for nat bookspoils with Ko ficombookspoils Let’s just make this clear up front – this is NOT a self help or non fiction book it is a memoir I’ve seen a couple of reviews that express disappointment that this wasn’t a list of helpful tips to find love Those books are out there; this just isn’t one of themHaving said that as someone who recently went through some epic heartbreak I did find this book really useful in offering a bit of perspective and oodles and oodles of HOPEMandy Len Catron shot to fame in 2015 when her essay ‘To Fall in Love With Anyone Do This’ was published in the New York Times Modern Love column In it she details an experiment she undertook with an acuaintance full disclosure an unattached acuaintance who she fancied and who clearly fancied her where they asked each other a list of uestions formulated by psychologist Arthur Aron some 20 years earlier which were designed to make two people fall in love As it happens Mandy and the guy did end up falling in love and are as far as I know still togetherBut this book isn’t simply a repetition of that well known column; it is an in depth memoir about the events that brought Catron to that point She carefully unpacks the breakdown of her parents’ relationship while she was in her twenties the way that her mother and grandmother experienced first love and the breakdown – after ten years and at the age of thirty – of her own relationship I found it both extremely readable and comforting Finding oneself suddenly single at thirty can be shocking and disorientating just trust me on this OK? and it was nice to hear a sane level headed voice explaining that a heartbreak is not uncommon – in fact it’s almost universal nowadays and b love is complex and nuanced and mediated by all kinds of cultural norms and chemicals – it’s OK to feel baffled by the whole thingPart personal narrative part anthropological study part pop psychology I found this an engaging and enlightening read With thanks to the publisher for providing me with an ARC in return for an honest review This is an enjoyable and thoughtful book part memoir part essay collection The author reflects on love through the lens of her own experiences and those of her parents and grandparents but also discusses the subject broadly referencing scientific research and analyzing books movies and fairy tales She writes well and candidly digging into the complexities of relationships rather than trying to prescribe one size fits all advice or hand out easy answers It is in some ways a very personal book particularly as the author discusses the end of her 10 year relationship but she keeps it classy In discussing her relationships she writes about how she felt and behaved rather than dishing on her exesRather than writing a traditional review I’m going to list some of the ideas in the book that interested me This book began with a Modern Love article about a relationship that started with the author and an acuaintance asking each other a series of uestions that made a couple fall in love in a lab experiment But the title is misleading the uestions may not have been designed to create romance they’ve apparently been used in decidedly non romantic contexts like increasing trust between police and communities And the author and her boyfriend didn’t immediately start dating after that night Instead the uestions allowed them to get to know and trust each other uickly setting the stage for a relationship if they wanted to pursue it which they ultimately did Some passages from the book suggest that Catron’s ultimate conclusion is that people ought to learn to love well rather than obsessing over finding the right person But it isn’t so simple She writes about a friend who on the advice of a recently married friend of his who champions choosing to commit for commitment’s sake casts aside doubts about his relationship and proposes But he backs out before the wedding and the friend who gave the advice gets divorced a couple years later The book never argues that if you just choose any decent person and treat each other well the result will be lifelong marriage It doesn’t give prescriptions about the ideal relationship but rather things the author has observed along the way There’s a word for the assumption that the true goal of all relationships is lifelong marriage amatonormativity Looking this up online led me to an interesting article from someone for whom romance isn’t a goal at all; Catron is traditional but she was able to enjoy romantic encounters when she valued them for their own sake rather than considering everything that didn’t end in marriage a failure Historically speaking our expectations for marriage have ascended Maslow’s hierarchy of needs At one time marriage was mostly about economic stability while we now expect our relationships to meet our needs for self esteem and personal fulfillment No wonder we struggle to find “the right person” while our ancestors managed to stay with the first person they were attracted to or the person their family chose There’s a lot in the book about love stories and how they affect real relationships Storytelling is humanity’s way of organizing information and making sense of interactions with others; we need to see patterns to recognize what’s going on Many people acknowledge the obvious discrepancies between love stories and the real world like the idea that once the two of you decide to get together everything else is “happily ever after” rather than reuiring effort But some of the subtler refrains in love stories go unnoticed For instance the idea that love is a moral reward given to the most “deserving” people For women this often means being passive and “good” ie pleasing those in authority and not pursuing love directly The idea that love will come on its own as a reward for uiet virtue led the author to uietly play the chameleon for years as a teenager rather than pursue what she wanted All this makes me wonder about the current crop of love stories for teens which often portray abusive or controlling relationships as romantic Perhaps we can neutralize the messages of these stories by talking about the issue so kids don’t use assume that’s the way love works But no matter how much we talk about it some readers are sure to miss the conversation and drink in those assumptions This isn’t addressed in the book – fortunately for her the author doesn’t seem to have had any truly awful relationships People are very invested in their own love stories A good “how we met” story can build social support for a relationship which is healthy But a meet cute doesn’t predict the uality of the relationship and some people get into bad relationships because their beginnings make great stories Relationship advice is often geared to justifying the advisor’s decisions Listening to a lot of advice can be destabilizing if it suggests all sorts of deficiencies in you or your relationships who cares if your significant other doesn’t bring you flowers if this isn’t important to you Advice is also usually geared toward keeping people together – see amatonormativity above – and at avoiding ambiguity; if a seemingly great relationship breaks down we want an explanation as to why But in reality falling out of love may be as mysterious as falling in loveIn the end though she’s in a happy relationship it doesn’t seem like the author has it all figured out probably nobody does so this is definitely a personal reflection rather than an advice book It didn’t knock my socks off and the last chapter seemed off base and elegiac despite containing nothing that needed an elegy But it was enjoyable and interesting smart and well written It’ll make you think a bit and won’t make you feel hopeless or inadeuate which seems like a good measure for a book about love A really enjoyable read I love thinking and reading about love I've previously enjoyed On Love and The Course of Love Alain de Botton's offerings on the topic so this was a really thought provoking one for me Not too scientific nor light hearted and I enjoyed the author's examples and writing Recommended FAV UOTESIn love we fallThat’s how I fell in love with him in college when we slept belly to back my nose tucked against his neck when the daytime was just a placeholder for the nightAs far as I could tell rightness and wrongness were only ever apparent in retrospectIf I believed love was mundane I thought maybe I could take away some of its powerEven if we didn’t always like each other that much even if we forgot our promises to be kind and patient it felt good to know someone as well as we knew each other It felt good to be knownMaybe there aren’t many stories about ambivalent breakups because such stories do little to confirm our assumptions about the power of love Instead they render love an ordinary experienceI think many of us want to believe that love cannot be known that the mysteries of the heart have to remain mysteriousA better version of love did existMy job was not to choose a good person to love but rather to be good to the person I’d chosenDeciding to break up I thought was like learning a star had burned out in a distant galaxy even though you can still see it in the sky You know something has irrevocably changed but your senses suggest otherwise Everything looks normal Better than normal even on a summer afternoon in a hammockI’ve always thought of stories as records as ways of remembering our lives And I thought it was our duty to tell them to keep the past alive in the present—to keep ourselves aliveI was too young to really understand poverty; I still believed that poor people were happier than the rest of us because a world in which some people were both poor and miserable seemed too cruel to be realAs Alain de Botton says in Essays in Love “The stories we tell are always too simple” They fail to make space for the mundane domestic trivial annoying parts of lifeIf life is hard for everyone who are you to have everything you need and still say “This won’t do any”?Occasionally a great shaft of sunlight pushed through the clouds and the dense deciduous foliage There you are always in the mountains not on themOur views of love—what we want from it what we think it should feel like—are rooted in the context of our livesThis meeting was just one of many situations where I found myself waiting and listening intent on figuring out who people wanted me to be before showing them anything about who I wasWe’d found each other in the most mundane circumstances But when we were together nothing was mundane Everything felt meaningfulAt twenty telling someone what I wanted—not what I was supposed to want but what I really genuinely wanted—was the most terrifying thing I could imagineHe wanted his experience of the world to be beautiful and this above all made sense to meHe was from the first day of our acuaintance one of those mercurial people whose attention feels like sunlight something you don’t know you’ve been deprived of until it shines on you something you’d be smart to store up for the months aheadAt twenty I wanted a love story almost as much as I wanted love itselfAnd for a few years having a good love story felt a lot like having good loveThe Cinderella narrative is so ubiuitous—and so integrated into how we think about love—that it’s easy to dismiss I spent years thinking someone would notice me eventually as long as I dedicated myself to being good and sweet and modest and basically unnoticeable When I started my first serious relationship I didn’t notice that my boyfriend’s goal was to become an interesting person through having interesting experiences; whereas I hoped to prove my worth by being loved by the most interesting person I knew himWhen I went on dates I had to coach myself My goal was not to make this stranger from the internet like me; my goal was to find out if I liked himYou are already interesting Your life is already good It’s okay to say exactly what you want when you want it And it’s okay to not knowPeople still used the phrase broken family then and I just assumed we didn’t have it in us to breakWe don’t seem to mind a little mystery in the process of falling in love In fact I suspect we prefer it But endings are different When love ends we demand an explanation a whyI understood why you might put off telling anyone about your separation not uite because you feel embarrassment or shame though likely you are experiencing both deeply but because you don’t want to be judged for a decision you have already spent months struggling with You don’t want to be uestioned about something you yourself have little confidence inMaybe all our worry about how to find love and how to make it last is what keeps us from asking how to be good to one another—and how to love each other wellSometimes after he left I would turn on the shower and cry loudly just to get that impulse out of my lungs I thought if I could hear how sad I was maybe I could feel it a little lessI needed to believe love was an ordinary thingAnd I have learned that in conversations about love there’s often a subtext Usually this involves the thing we want but are afraid to name or the thing we want to know but are afraid to askIt’s astounding really to hear what someone admires in you I don’t know why we don’t go around thoughtfully complimenting one another all the timeI know the eyes are supposedly the windows to the soul but the real crux of this moment should you ever find yourself trying it is not simply that you are seeing someone but that you are seeing someone seeing youI resolved to be like that to let love in even if I wasn’t sure I was readyWe all want to be known We want to confess our greatest accomplishment and our most terrible memory We want to be heardNo love story is a short storyAnd maybe the best thing about encountering diverse stories is simply this They broadened my sense of what was possibleAs we swayed on the pavement my head on his shoulder we were only mimicking romance trying on conventions to see how they feltWhen I am out to brunch with friends and Mark walks by with the dog and waves hello I blush at the sight of the two of them worried my friends will see it on my face such reckless happinessI have learned a lot about love from a scientific perspective but I have come to rely on a fundamental realization the knowledge that I can have a good full life without any guarantees from love There are so many ways to make a life Instead of trying to make love last I’ve decided to take ever after off the agendaMost of us think about love as something that happens to us We fall We get crushedLove didn’t happen to us We’re in love because we each made the choice to be A very interesting but not uite fascinating memoiressay collection about love dating and relationships She writes about the dissolution of the college relationship she spent her twenties in her parents' and grandmother's marriages love stories in Western pop culture and her newest relationship and its catalyst of 36 uestions to discuss to fall in love with anyone the original essay which was published in NY Times's Modern Love column I appreciated that she discussed ueer and poly relationships she's straight and monogamous in a way that didn't exoticize or fetishizeA good option if you've been wanting to read Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance but don't want to support his work any This book has a very similar feel although its scope is much smaller I've been doing this lately it seems with non fiction books; reading authors who aren't experts in a field but draw on studies to make a point Problem is that they make their points at random intervals through their book The rest is just stories about what the author has gone through I am interested in her idea of how to fall in love with anyone and not all the relationships she has had There are some interesting studies she mentions which I will look up later So the book is not a failure or anything It just reuires reading it with a discerning eye for what my appeal to you Or if you simply like reading other people's love stories I had this book for a week and recommended it to than 10 people before I had even finished it which I think should be enough to convince you to add it to your To Read list immediately I knew about Mandy Len Catron from her 2015 viral piece in the Modern Love section of The New York Times I loved the article I forced my friends to do the first chunk of the 36 uestions with each other during the first night of a trip when they all met for the first time While Catron's pieces for the Times are fantastic this book is something else It's a better version of Aziz Ansari's Modern Romance and a personal version of Moira Weigel's Labor of Love How to Fall in Love with Anyone details how the author has mythologized her parents' and grandparents' love stories and the effect that has had upon her own conceptualization and approaches to romantic love She spends a chapter detailing the cultural scripts that Western culture passes down about love through romantic comedies or through what we're told embodies a good relationship who even deserves a good relationship and discusses that while we're told what the best end product is we aren't often taught about how to love others well In fact I think this book could be aptly titled How to Love Better in order to better convey its contents and to be alluring than the current title The book made me think a lot about how we could all be better to each other if we all decided to value loving better often The author devotes multiple chapters to the love stories of her family all situated within Appalachia and details how the relationships allowed individuals to move beyond the circumstances they inherited She contrasts these love stories with her own ten year relationship which made me feel kind of ueasy simply because I identified with spending too much time in a relationship that slowly fizzled unbeknownst to the couple until its pulse flatlinedEventually the book shifts into describing the relationships Catron enters after her first big relationship including the one detailed in her viral Modern Romance piece This reminds me of something I made my boyfriend do on one of our first dates where we played a uestion asking game that encourage medium to deep conversations instead of the polite small talk that often occurs I don't remember the uestions or the answers now but I do remember the feeling of sharing a deeper version of myself than is traditionally expected on these early dates when I would try to present the shiniest version of myself This book magically captures all of those feelings that I've felt and I loved LOVED loved reading while Catron ruminated on love That was easy to do because Catron spins many pretty phrases as you'll see in the uotes that I've included at the end of my post While I'm loaning this book out to a few friends to underline their own favorite uotes I've told them all that I want this book to be on my forever bookshelf aka the highest honor I can bestow upon a book so it absolutely must be returned to meUnfortunately the book doesn't include Catron's latest piece for Modern Love though she alludes to some of the content in the book I've linked to it because I feel like it's worth reading too Read all of her things each of them are special and wonderful and will sift through your mind for days I think of the four of us as subject to the same flash flood all senselessly bailing water into our own boats in hopes the others might end up on dry land p 122Our views of love what we want from it what we think it should feel like are rooted in the context of our lives p 72But now I understand that there are always two breakups the public one and the private one Both are real but one is sensible and the other is ugly Too ugly to share in cafés Too ugly I sometimes think to even write p 134I didn't know what was real and what was scripted p 16Nothing was funny really but we couldn't stop laughing the manic laughter of people who know it will be a while before they hear themselves laugh again p 40Disclaimer I was provided with physical and digital copies of this book for free from Simon Schuster All opinions expressed in the review are my own and have not been influenced by Simon SchusterFor reviews check out wwwgirlwithabookblogcom I fell in love with this book ' I have never liked books that start with HOW TO but I opened this book out of curiosity and started reading I found it pleasurable and surprisingly it was a memoir I enjoyedLove was always a uestion to me a uestion without an answer though I liked love stories maybe I watchedread such because I was trying to understand “I thought love was supposed to be confusing and complicated but love is an ordinary thing Love is an action We fall in love because we choose to”Maybe I feared love and marriage because of all the stories that we hear they married for love and divorced few years later I guess we fear love because we lack the experience because all we know of it comes from romantic novels and movies The idea of happy ever after made me hate being in situations where couples fight even if it was a simple fight but it startled my fantasy world where happy ever afters existed cause I liked to keep a picture of marriage being happy and refused to see anything else But I came to realize that love is not everything in marriage and happy ever after is off the agenda and I can say now that I understand why people sometimes leave each other and find it a brave decision specially that we are as the author said “ in a culture that stigmatizes singledom and celebrate commitment”

How to Fall in Love with Anyone PDF/EPUB × Fall in
  • Hardcover
  • 238 pages
  • How to Fall in Love with Anyone
  • Mandy Len Catron
  • 12 November 2014
  • 9781501137440