➧ [Ebook] ➢ الحدود مع المراهقين By جون تاونسند ➲ – Jobs-in-kingston.co.uk Adopte una posici n activa de una vez portodas en el mundo de su adolescente Rel jese Su cordura sobrevivir a estos complicados a os de la adolescencia, y de la misma forma sus hijos, siempre y cuando Adopte una posici n activa de una vez portodas en el mundo de su adolescente Rel jese Su cordura sobrevivir a estos complicados a os de la adolescencia, y de la misma forma sus hijos, siempre y cuando usted determine l mites saludables que trabajen en beneficio de ellos y de usted mismo L mites con los adolescentes le ense a c mo hacerloEl Dr John Townsend, autor de libros de xitos en ventas y consejero, comparte su experimentada perspicacia y الحدود مع Epub / le brinda la gu a que usted necesita a fin de ayudar a sus adolescentes a ser responsables con sus acciones, actitudes y emociones, as como tambi n a adquirir una apreciaci n y un respeto m s profundos, tanto por usted como por ellos mismos Con sabidur a, el Dr Townsend aplica principios de base espiritual para la tarea y el desaf o de guiar a los hijos a trav s de su adolescencia Nos muestra c mo Enfrentar las actitudes irrespetuosas y la conducta imposible de su adolescente Establecer l mites saludables y consecuencias realistas Ser amorosos y afectuosos mientras se establecen EPUB is an ebook file format that uses the epub reglas Determinar estrategias espec ficas para manejar problemas grandes y peque osEn este libro, usted aprender las t cnicas y habilidades sencillas que todo padre de adolecentes necesita conocer saber cu ndo decir que s , c mo decir que no O sea, c mo implementar y hacer cumplir l mites saludables y amorosos para sus hijos adolescentes. 4 stars Boundaries with Teens is a very thorough book about dealing with teenagers dealing with their disrespectful attitudes and irresponsible behaviors, setting healthy limits and realistic consequences, establishing rules, and all the while being a loving, caring, and supporting parent. Excellent advice, with specific examples and scenarios Of course, much of it is easier said than done I like the different sections of the book dealing with changes that parents need to make themselves, understanding the teen brain world with empathy, setting boundaries with the teen, and specific common problems that teens deal with To me, the most helpful part is understanding what a teen is going through Teens are frustrating and their behavior is often illogical, but understanding some of the underlying issues, like brain or hormonal changes, natural movement toward independence, and stressors in their lives, definitely puts their behavior into better context and gives me a better perspective on how to relate to them There are a lot of practical tips and advice in here, about consequences, setting expectations clearly, and getting to the root of the problems I borrowed this from the library, but I m thinking I may want to actually buy a copy to keep on hand, as various specific problems pop up over the next few years The last section deals very specifically with common teen issues, and I didn t read each one this time, I just read the ones relating to the issues I ve seen in T, so I think this would be a good reference book to keep on our shelves. I really love the Boundaries books If you find yourself struggling in relationships, they are full of practical advice This one on teens is no different They give some really practical steps in making sure you are setting a good foundation for your teen s adult life I highly recommend this book for parents of teens, especially if you are struggling with behavior shifts that are catching you off guard It will make you feel less alone and help you gain insight into what is going on physically, emotionally, and spiritually inside of your teen It s not a fix all book, but it does make you stop and think about all the changes that teens face on a daily basis It also gives you suggestions of ways to handle various negative situations teens might find themselves in. Good book for amateur parentsPART ONE Be a Parent with Boundaries1 Revisit your own adolescence What conflict did you have with your own parents, relational problems, emotional and behavioral issues when you were growing up Give Grace, Love, and Understanding Get to know your teena Aim to know who your teen is rather than to change your teen.b Listen , lecture less.c Ask questions Begin with questions about facts, move to thoughts, and then to emotions Your adolescent needs for you to know him at a heart level, not just at an event level.d Take off the physical pressure off by taking a walk, throwing a ball, or going out to create a safe space for the teen to feel okay about opening up with you.2 Be a boundarya Know who you are, what you want, and what you value.b Have a separate sense of selfc Be honest when they cross the line and don t say it s okay when it is not.d Be persistent despite the head butting from teens3 Get connected to other adults in meaningful relationshipsFour characteristics of good connections a Grace You need people in your life you can give you grace, people who do not have a judging bone in their body, who will be for you, no matter what You also need friends who are unshockable, who have the capacity to hear anything about your teen and not freak out.b Identification You need to know that others identify with your difficulty, confusion, and frustration This knowledge provides connection, encouragement, and hope c Guidance Get connected with mature people who have been down your road.d Reality Get connected with people who will keep you grounded and centered in reality, people who are not black and white thinkers and who do not pretend to have an answer for every problem People who live in reality can live with conflict, failure, and pain.GET OVER YOUR ESCUSES I don t like to burden people I should be able to do this myself I am embarrassed by my teen s situation I have problems trusting I m too busy I don t know where I can find the kind of people you are talking about.4 Face your guilt and feara Guilt is a feeling of self condemnation over doing something that hurts your child which is inevitable When parents are too harsh, let their kid down, or are absent in some way, they will often be harsh and critical with themselves However, guilt is not a helpful emotion Guilt is about the parent, because guilt centers on the parent s failures and badness rather than on the teen s difficulty and hurt Guilt does nothing to help the teen s situation If you struggle with guilt and want resolution, learn to experience remorse instead Remorse, the healthy alternative to guilt, centers on the other person Remorse is an empathic concern for the pain that your teen feels It is also solution oriented and repairs the effects If you feel remorse over something you have done that has hurt your teen, your focus is on helping your teen heal from the damage you have done.b Fear of withdrawal of love This type of emotional blackmail is not healthy for the teen, especially later in life When your teen withdraws, take the initiative to go after him and try to reconnect Teens sometimes don t have the skills to pull themselves back into relationship, so they need their parents to help them Remember that teens need a certain amount of time and space to pull away from parents not totally away, but enough to form their own opinions, identity, and values.c Fear of anger Adolescents get angry a lot They live in protest mode Teens that throw tantrums to get out of a limit will have a difficult relational future Teach him to accept responsibilities and relationships without having outbursts Learn to experience and normalize anger your own and others as a part of life.5 Be united not split in your parentinga Agree that your teen comes first.b Defer to each other s strengths Maybe one is better with structure and the other is better at listening and understanding at the emotional level your child needs, so get your spouse involved in the conversation.c Don t triangulate your teen and involve them in your conflicts with each other.d If the other is resistant, stay balanced Your teen doesn t need two crazy parents At least one of you needs to be integrated.6 Be an integrated parent you can only parent to your own level of maturity Break the cycle of ignoring and then snapping a Get help for yourself Therapist, friend, pastor, support group.b Tell your teen what part of the problem is yours I am realizing that I overlooked things with you that I should not, and I stuff it all, then blow up at you out of nowhere That s not your fault it is about me So while I am holding onto the consequences for your bad behavior, I will work on my problem I want you to let me know if I do it again c Get your teen around adults who put love and limits together.d Write out the rules and establish accountability.e Give your teen connection and consistency Adolescence must have someone in their life who is strong enough to contain all of their parts good and bad and still relate to them This experience enables teens to mature and become integrated When teens do not experience connection and consistency, they can t develop a sense of self control and responsibility In addition, they are less able to love and accept the good and bad aspects of others What they cannot accept in themselves, they are often not able to accept in others.7 Single parent issuesa Not enough of you Doing the work of two parents Get help Your kid still needs bonding time with you but surround your teen with people who have what you don t possess.b Rescuing your teen from failure out of guilt can be a big mistake.c Making your teen the parent Looking to your teen to meet your emotional needs is called parentifying The problem is, when your teen s mind is full of your life, he is too concerned with supporting you to be able to experience and deal with his own struggles and challenges.d Exposing your tee to your dates too soon If you break up with that person, your teen s life shatters a second time It s best not to get your teen involved with that person until it looks like the two of you are likely to get married.e Parenting differences with your ex Agree to put the kids first and come to agreement as best you can on parenting values and styles.8 For stepparents Great advice in the book PART TWO Understand the teenage world It s everything to them 9 Adolescence The last step before adulthood Healthy adolescents a Make connections b Are responsiblec Accept realityd Mess up, but not severelye Are oriented to the outsidef Make friends with other good kids.g Develop good valuesh Challenge their parents Question your authority and opinions and want to think for themselves 10 A period of tremendous change Feels confidence about dislikes this sucks than about likes Feels intense and extreme emotions Is invested in today than tomorrow Develop empathy for your teen11 Teens think differently Teens are impulsive, self centered, and irrational They have outbursts of anger and disrespect, then in a few minutes, they swing back to love and compliance Provide your teen with as many experiences music teachers, sports coaches, Sunday School teachers, youth group and church leaders involving love, grace, safety, structure, and correction as you can That kind of environment will positively affect his her brain.12 Separating from parents What is the right way to separate a Within relationship versus outside of relationship Your teen faces a challenging task He needs to leave you while staying connected to you He needs to know that he can talk to you about people, thoughts, events that do not have anything to do with you, because he needs your grounding and support Your being there plays a huge role in helping him have the necessary tools and courage to safely enter adult life Allow them to explore other things Do not withdraw and your teen has a negative, angry, or different viewpoint or emotion This puts the teen in a no win situation He must keep himself and lose his parents, or lose himself and keep his parents It does not have to be either or.i Be a support of your kids extra family world.ii Talk to your teen, ask questions, and make them feel like it is okay to have interests outside of you.iii Stay connected, even in differences For example, rather than saying, I do not want to hear about your friends drinking, say, Tell me what you know about who is drinking I may not agree, but I want to know whatever you ll let me know b Toward versus away Accept that your teen is being drawn toward something rather than away from you However, some adolescents separate from their parents for the sake of getting away Perhaps they want to escape from a great deal of conflict in the home, or maybe they feel miserable, angry, or constantly hurt because of something going on at home Separating for these reasons can be developmentally devastating When teens are interested in getting away than in finding happiness and a good fit in the world, the risk attaching to the wrong things for the sake of escape For example, some teens get married at a very early age because their home is so bad that they just want out Marriage gives them that escape, but since these teens did not live in a loving and safe home, they have difficulty creating what they did not get Leaving home does not change a miserable person into a happy person Instead, it creates a miserable person who is on her own.Understand that her desire to get away from you is normal Accept that she is getting tired of your control, rules, and restrictions Provide her with some positive and happy experiences at home Work with her on establishing a reasonably happy and functional environment at home Compromised when you can, love always, and be strict when you need to.c Prepared versus unprepared Adults who successfully meet the demands of life have following qualities i Relational, not alienated.ii Responsible, not immature.iii Self controlled, not impulsive.iv Values based, not peer driven.v Autonomous, not dependent.vi Focused, not lost.vii Spiritual, not separated from God.13 From earthly to eternal parent Your teen is in the process of changing parents He is transferring his dependency and obedience with you, his earthly parent, to God, his eternal parent Your teen needs to wrestle with God, as the young man Jacob did, and as we all must But the struggle must be between your teen and God, not between your teen and you It is easy for your teen to move away from God, because he identifies God with you But then he only throws the baby out with the bath water So give your teen room to work out his faith, and keep him around healthy people who will do the same Have him know that he can leave you without needing to leave God.14 Understanding the differences between boys and girls 15 The influence of culturePART THREE Set boundaries with your teen16 Dig beneath your teen s problem Problems caused by irresponsibility, immaturity, defiance, self centeredness, and impulsiveness can often be effectively addressed by enforcing consequences However, the problem might be caused by other concerns, such as emotional detachment, hurt, or discouraged No amount of boundary setting will work with someone whose heart is downcast When you beat and exhausted horse to make him run faster, the only thing the beating increases is the horse s discouragement The same thing happens when you set limits on a discouraged teen That teen needs to be lifted up and given grace He needs drawing out, listening, and acceptance.17 Use the 4 anchors of boundary setting Every boundary setting conversation or situation must make use of four anchoring principles a Love I love you and I am on your side Always begin with love When we hear hard truths from someone who cares about us, we need to know that the person is on our side I am on your side I am not doing this because I am mad, or want to punish you I am doing this because I want your best Love also help the teen begin to see that her behavior is the problem, not an out of control and angry parent I want to go over the things I am concerned about and solve some problems But before I go any further, I want you to know that I really do love you, and I do not want bad things for you I want a good life for you, and that is why I want help you with these problems b Truth I have some rules and requirements for your behavior Expectations Your teen needs to know what the line is, so that he can choose whether or not to cross it As long as the rules are appropriate for the situation, when you bring them into the relationship, you are helping her child see that structure and responsibility are normal and expected in life I need to be clear about this, because I do not think I have been clear in the past, or I have not been very loving about it But I want there to be no misunderstanding I will not tolerate ___ It is not is definitely not okay in our house Whether or not you agree with that, it is the rule in this home c Freedom You can choose to respect or reject these rules Freedom to choose poorly is necessary to learn to choose well Of course, freedom has a limit If the problem is life threatening or dangerous, you certainly should intervene I cannot stop you from ___ I do not want to control you I would rather you choose the right things So unless things get dangerous, you are free to follow these house rules or not to But remember, you may be choosing in a way that causes me to severely restrict many of your privileges d Reality Here is what will happen if you choose to reject these rules Consequences Don t be misled Remember that you can t ignore God and get away with it You will always reap what you sow Galatians 6 918 Do not get deraileda Accept resistance as normal Most teens react with manipulation, arguments, anger, or defiance when their parents set limits with them Move gradually at first They need to challenge and question you It prepares your teen to think for himself and to own his own values, feelings, and opinions Life will test him on these matters Better for your teen to figure out who he is and what he believes while he is still with you.b Do your homework Make sure your rule and your consequence are reasonable and appropriate Think it through Talk to sound thinking people in your community whom you For me this was is a good reminder book of the things I have read in other books The big things are empathy, talking, and sticking to your word Make the boundaries clear. I m going to preface this review with two statements 1 I m not a practicing Christian so I knew some of this book may not align with my personal spiritual guidelines 2 I was warned that the book may not align with my spiritual guidelines I will also admit that there was a significant amount of helpful info that I will continue to refer to throughout these next few years Suggestions for different types of consequences and starting off with smaller punishments allows for the ability to grow the consequence in relation to the infraction HOWEVER, this book was extremely dated in it s view of abstinence only education I was actually appalled that the only discussion about sex with teens including masturbation was related 100% to abstaining and delaying gratification and staying pure for one s future spouse I am sorry but I know plenty of Christians who have come away from the abstinence only model because it just doesn t work I respect others beliefs but found this chapter and other pepperings of dated gender based, traditional marriage ideas and it makes me wonder if I can trust the other information I found useful in light of this I m still desperately searching for a manual on how to help my teen without making him be held to unattainable unrealistic standards I am not advocating for teen sex but I need something else as a solution then just waiting for the right person and training your brain to think clean thoughts Nope Nope Nope. Dr Townsend gives a great deal of practical advice from his years of clinical experience with teens and their parents I appreciated his emphasis on communication and building relationships with your children He also speaks to the importance of establishing boundaries in our own lives so that we are better equipped emotionally to deal with the challenges our kids are facing.I m not sure what Dr Townsend s background is, but I thought it was interesting that he never addressed the whole premise of adolescence He seems to unquestioningly accept an 8 or so year span between childhood and adulthood when adolescents should be seen and treated differently I couldn t help but think of verses like Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright Proverbs 20 11 and Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity 1 Timothy 4 12 While I certainly want to encourage my children to take time to think and wrestle through ideas and beliefs for themselves, I also want to continually cast a vision for them of being young people of godliness and excellence who are living for something than this world has to offer and Someone greater than themselves. This is a great book for parents of teenagers It does have a Christian presence for those that are, but I would urge even non Christian individuals to give it a go The content and principles are still applicable There are some slight contradictions in the book but I think it was because each teen and circumstance is different and ultimately you are the final decision maker as the parent I have a young teenager who is starting to explore his boundaries He is a GOOD kid, but still a teenager and trying to figure himself out just as much as I am This has some great reminders of how to work through difficult behaviors and confrontations As always, if you have an extreme case, this book advises seeking professional help Be prepared to acknowledge weakness in yourself as well as your teen This book will help give you the tools to grow individually as well as together I plan to keep a physical copy of the book to refer to certain chapters frequently.A note about the audio version I found the narration to be a good fit The only thing that bugged me was the you can do it line which popped up at the end of each segment The first time or two it was okay but after a few of them it started to feel condescending. God made parents to be the guard rails on the twisting road of life You need to be strong enough for kids to crash into over and over and over again Far better for her if you help empower her to deal safely with cultural influences while she is still with you rather than later, when she is on her own This book came highly recommended but I really struggled with it We ve tried imperfectly to be consistent in what we say v s what we do as parents, so that our now teenagers know there are consequences to their behaviors We ve also tried to parent to their hearts re Shepherding a Child s Heart Big chunks of this book felt heavy handed to me Also, fully half of the book addresses specific rebellious behaviors and how to manage them Honestly, I didn t read all these.That being said, there are some good takeaways In particular, a list of mature qualities to nurture as our teens grow, such as values based, not peer driven pg 88 in my copy I also appreciate the general affirmation that having rules and expecting adherence is the better choice in parenting.For involved, mindful parents, this one works better as a reference book than a how to guide. I read Boundaries in Marriage many years ago, and loved it It helped me to identify the abuse I was experiencing in my marriage and I will never forget some of the lessons it taught me Maybe it s because of that that I found this book to be only so so I found that the advice was pretty common sense, and not really helpful in my situation Unfortunately, my daughter has inherited a lot of her father s traits disorders and so dealing with her is a lot trickier than I think this book expects most teens to be I did appreciate the one lesson, given early on in the book, to not just give up and wait til they move out, but to try to keep in mind that the lessons and discipline boundaries you try to instill now will some day be of benefit to them than giving up and doing nothing would be I ve recently been recommended another book, Stop Walking on Eggshells, which I think might be better suited to our situation.